Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
