Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
