He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
