Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize