Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
