I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
