The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
