You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
