bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
