i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
