Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize