I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
