he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize