i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
