I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
