I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
