Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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