i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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