But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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