I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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