Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
