I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Im part way to drunk.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
