I think i peed on brittanys purse
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
