The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
