You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
