The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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