my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
