i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
