hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
