I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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