she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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