After last night, I could never be a politician.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
