I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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