How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
