At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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