We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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