i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
