Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize
