there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
