After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize