Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
