best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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