When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
