how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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