My nipple is on Facebook.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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