my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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