everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
