the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
