I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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