i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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