Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
