you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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