in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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