my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
