Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
