Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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