He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
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