Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
