I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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