It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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