Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
