I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
